Red is Red and Blue is Blue

Before I was in Kindergarten I learned the names of colors. Firetrucks were red, the grass was green, and sunflowers were yellow. I've carried these learnings throughout my life. Colors are facts. They are what they are. If I am sitting on a red couch, there is no reasonable amount of convincing by myself or others to make me believe that the couch is actually blue. I learned colors as a little girl, and have held my belief that red is red as truth.

What we hold as iron clad truths about ourselves develop from beliefs. We wouldn't believe something if we weren't convinced it was true! These truths guide our decisions, emotions, and reactions. For a long time I've struggled with poor body image, disordered eating, compulsive exercise, depression, perfectionism, insecurity, and a general sense that nobody sincerely cared about me. There are many ways to address complex issues like these but many involve the use of concepts including "positive affirmations," building self-esteem, visualization, not taking things personally, , and choosing to react positively. The mental health profession has had many successes using this approach and I have come far, but still struggle. I've always felt like there was something wrong with just telling myself that I am a great person with the hopes that it would stick. I felt like a fraud, like I was only painting over the rotten wood of my soul. Many times I logically saw the merit in positive affirmation and thinking approaches and have gotten some benefit from them. But, usually, I would still have a gnawing feeling that I was only fooling myself. Eventually some event always seemed to happen that would pop the optimistic bubble that I was trying to blow and I would be left feeling like it really is all a bunch of baloney.

Thanks to the persevering wisdom shared by mentors and a recent book, I'm beginning to learn why positive affirmations felt wrong and why they wouldn't stick. Why so much of my life has been wrapped up in pain and disappointment, and why I do things I don't want to do.

According to the authors of "Truth Serum," at the core of all of our reactions (emotional and physical) are beliefs we hold as truth. When we encounter a situation, we take it in, consult our beliefs (i.e. "the truth"), evaluate the situation based on those beliefs, and then react accordingly. We all hold lots of beliefs but the authors of "Truth Serum" propose that there are four core beliefs that affect every aspect of our lives. These beliefs form the foundation of self perception, impacting how we feel, how we react to others, our relationships, our potential, choices we make, ...everything! We don't react randomly to any circumstance. We base our decisions and reactions on what we believe to be truth.

The four core beliefs presented in the aforementioned book are our own love-ability, accept-ability, approve-ability, and control-ability. The reason for so much of the unwanted feelings of rejection, pain, relationships awry, illogical behavior, and more often come down to an error in core self beliefs. Now, I've heard this before..."there's nothing wrong with you, you are a great person, you just need to love yourself" etc. I did need to love myself, but telling that was like telling me that the couch I am sitting on is in fact, blue, not red. From a young age I learned and believed that this particular shade that makes up the couch is red, not blue. I hold this belief as truth. In the same way, as a little girl I learned beliefs that I was unlovable, unacceptable, un-approvable, and powerless. And, just like red is not blue, I cannot love something that is unlovable. I cannot, nor can anyone accept something that is unacceptable.

A core belief in faulty and irrational truths results in faulty and irrational emotions, reactions, actions, and relationships. It permeates everything in life because we are always consulting what we believe to be true.

When I was in high school I got perfect grades. Actually, in most cases I got better than perfect grades. One quarter during my sophomore year, however, I looked at my report card and saw that I had been given a 'B' in band. I. Was. Crushed! I went home and cried enough to fill the Dead Sea. What an unnecessary and irrational response! I knew kids who would give their left eye for a 'B'. Why did I react this way? When I saw that I had been give a 'B', my mind quickly went through its method of processing information by consulting my core beliefs. Deep down I "knew" that I was unacceptable, un-approveable, and powerless, and when my teacher labeled my performance as less than what I expected, it sharply confirmed that I was worthless. And no matter how many times a person receives that message, it is heartbreaking.

Even as I have grown out of my extreme perfectionism, I have still often felt that life has constantly been handing me the short end of the stick. I felt insignificant in relationships and sub-par at work. The reasons for these feelings are the same as those for my reaction to my 'B' in band. Something would happen, I would consult my beliefs regarding the event, and I would feel like I got slapped in the face...again! For example, if someone didn't show up when we agreed to meet, I would feel hurt and frustrated. "Why does this always happen to me? Will someone please tell me what it is about me that makes me so easy to dismiss, to forget, to not be a priority?" What's important to notice here is that I would have this reaction despite the real reason behind the absence. When the person doesn't show up, my mind wonders why. I consult what I know to be true and conclude that it is because, when the rubber meets the road, I am unlovable, un-acceptable, and un-approvable. That hurts.

When a person doesn't show up, I here them confirming that I am worthless. I begin to go through a cascading cycle of emotions in reaction to my conclusion: indifference - "I don't care!" Tolerance - "I can take it," Anger - "WTF!" Fear - "what if no-one ever likes me?" Hurt - "I am in pain" and finally, what it all comes down to, Belief - "I don't like who I am."

It's amazing that a single incident could spur such distress and hurt! The thing is, though, it is not the indecent that causes this particular reaction and these emotions, it is my core beliefs that I hold as truth. It is those beliefs that have been instilled in me since I was a young child, those beliefs that result in feelings of "being shafted" all the time. No matter what the reasoning is behind something that happens or something said, I consult the same negative beliefs and consequently come to the same disappointing conclusion. It begins to feel like I'm always getting kicked to the curb and never sincerely loved because I come to these conclusions every time I consult my beliefs. It begins to feel like I'm not sincerely loved because I believe that I am unlovable. The conclusion I come to doesn't come about because of what happened, it comes about because of what I believe to be true.

A while back a friend of mine was planning to come over to my house to spend time with me and another friend. My other friend came over but she never showed up. I knew she was a little flaky (tolerance) but come on. "What do I have to do to get a little respect in this world! (anger). Did I do something wrong? (fear). Why does everyone always ditch me? Is there anyone who cares sincerely about me? (pain). What is wrong with me? I don't like who I am (belief). Later that evening I got a message from her husband. On her way to my house she had been t-boned at a stop light. She had a broken arm, 3 fractures in her pelvis, her car was destroyed, and she would be in the hospital for several days. The event didn't cause the way I felt, my beliefs did.

Flawed beliefs can have such a profoundly negative impact on our lives, not to mention the fact that the reactions and pain they cause are totally unnecessary. No matter the actual reason for events or words, they lead to disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness, unwanted behaviors, poor choices, and a very sad life in general. What I find so encouraging though, is the fact that these beliefs are learned beliefs. They were learned from those who raised us and who were around us, who learned it from those who raised influenced them. It is possible that what I have learned and concluded about myself is not truth. It is possible that people aren't always finding me low priority in the scope of a relationship. It is possible that I am loveable, acceptable, approve able, and powerful. Just knowing that these are possibilities is so emotionally freeing. Knowing that I can choose my beliefs and am not forever bound to those that confirmed my worthlessness in an of its self seems to boost my self worth. It is amazing and encouraging to realize that changing my beliefs does not make me a fraud. It shows me who I truly am.

Make Your Own RAD Pole Garage!

Even though I live in the largest state in the country, I am still thousands of miles from the nearest pole studio. So, after gaining inspiration from the International Pole Convention and PoleMoves Movement Arts Studio, I decided to build my own. Here's how I did it, without spending a small fortune.

Before I built my pole space I had one pole up in my living room...it was a pain because I had to take it down each time to avoid damaging the carpet or ceiling. I soon began to envision half of my garage as my pole haven. My garage is tall enough to allow me to use all of my pole extensions and its spacious and apart from the house. The cold cement floor isn't to comforting though. 

I definitely wanted mats in my space but I'm a cheap engineer, so I figured I'd try my hand at making my own. Carpet padding works great as the main component of a mat. You can also usually get it really cheap. At a home improvement stores like Lowes, it runs around $100 to $130 per 30 sq yard roll, but you can usually find new carpet padding for sale or for free on websites like Craig's List. I purchased two rolls of ~1/2" thick padding for $100 from a local contractor. For the top of the mat I used gym equipment mats, but also considered carpet/gym puzzle flooring and fabric.

Once I decided on the dimensions I wanted and the best location for my poles (keeping in mind that the garage door still has to open), I started rolling out and cutting padding with a sharp box cutter. The padding comes is rolls 6ft wide so some splicing together of pieces may be in order if you have different dimensions to cover. To get a mat thickness of around 3" I stacked five layers of carpet padding and topped it off with the gym equipment mats. I taped the mats together with black duct tape...although I strongly considered pink. I was a little concerned that the tape wouldn't stick well enough and would peel, leaving sticky residue, but it has held up very well. I also wondered if I would need to adhere the different layers of carpet padding together but I didn't and they've stayed together well (with minor modifications occasionally). I would suggest, however, that if you use multiple pieces of padding in each layer (i.e. cut up pieces to make up specific dimensions), then tape those pieces together using duct tape to keep them from drifting apart.

Once I got my mat together I cut holes for my poles using measurements made when I determined the best place for the poles. I once again used a sharp box cutter (I went through several blades throughout the project) and a measuring tape to make about 3" x 3" holes through all of the mat components in two places. Next I slid the x-pole bases under the mat until they each poked out of their respective holes.

In order to avoid having to decide on pole placement based on location of roof studs, I used wide pieces of wood to distribute the compression load of the pole across several support members. These go right in between the roof and the top dome of the x-pole. After leveling the poles and tightening them up, I just had to hang some pictures of hot pole guys and amazing pros, plug in the speakers, and get a Scentsy going for a sweet smell!  In all I spent about $230 (not including the poles) and absolutely love how everything turned out!

At the Crux.

A few years back I participated in an outdoor rock climbing session for experiential therapy. I wanted to climb but I wasn't to enthused about the whole "therapy" part. I understood that the therapists were trying to help, but it seemed ridiculous to me at the time to talk about feelings and goals and "overcoming"...bla bla bla...We weren't laying down on some couch spilling our life stories, we were just going to climb some rocks! When I finally got my chance, I squeezed into my tiny climbing shoes and began scaling a small, challenging cliff. I came within a couple of moves from the top and my arms began to give. They were extremely "pumped." I felt completely spent and was afraid I just couldn't go on. I was so close to the top though, people were cheering me on. I specifically remember the conscious decision I made then. "I can do this. I will do this." I looked deep within me and pushed through what I thought was to difficult.

As I finished the climb and was lowered back to the ground, it dawned on me how parallel this experience could be toward my life. We all experience difficult, fearful, heart-wrenching situations. They seem impossible to overcome at the time. We are "completely spent." We feel like we just can't go on...it's too hard. I realized though, that if I look within myself and push forward with everything I have, I can accomplish what seems impossible. Sometimes the "climbs" aren't difficult but other times we have to access that extra strength within ourselves to pull up the last few feet. The hard part isn't when you start climbing, it's when you've almost reached the top...you're fatigued, maybe scared, your body hurts...but it's then that just one last push will bring success.

I've started to climb again over the last year and am constantly reminded of my experience on the cliffs in Utah. It seems that everything I read related to climbing has an experiential therapy lesson. I must not be the only one who experiences a mind-body connection while climbing! I sometimes struggle with honoring the commitments or goals I make with myself. After a particularly rough period of time I came across a full page add/picture in a magazine of a rock climber high on a difficult climb. In big black bold lettering printed to the left was a quote from the climber. "At the crux. No turning back. I commit." What an awesome, inspiring, and helpful attitude, for climbing, and for life!

"In my three decades as a climber, perhaps the biggest breakthrough occurred when I realized that almost all the mental skills and strategies I learned through climbing could be applied to other areas in my life...In pushing personal boundaries and confronting the unknown, it's common to ponder the benefits of a retreat. Acknowledge such mental battles--between your desire to do new things and your primal instinct to avoid discomfort and failure--as being a normal part of the process. Resolve to persevere and you'll redefine your abilities and perception of what is possible." -Eric J. Horst

Stretching my Thinking

I always thought that flexibility was one of those things that you are either born with our you're not. That's the way I've thought about a lot of things. You're either good at sports or you sit the bench. If you're no good at music you won't ever be able to play the guitar, or at least not very well. I've looked upon people who were really good at whatever they were doing and thought "man that is awesome, I wish I was able to do that...but that person obviously has way more talent and ability than I do." Instead of being inspired by an amazing performance, I am usually discouraged by feelings of inadequacy and disappointment. I attribute their performance to some innate talent or ability that they were blessed with and I was not.

Although this type of mind set is pervasive in our society, I'm learning that it really isn't accurate. People have many differently personalities, experiences, learning styles, and ways of thinking, but abilities and skill level are not due to innate talent or genes. They are a result of consistent practice. Yes certain people may have more of an inclination towards particular things, but I believe what we see as "talent" is passion that has fueled consistent, dedicated practice. A child music protege is not born with the ability to play the piano. They are born with a determined spirit and develop such an immense passion and love for playing the instrument that they practice all the time!

I used to be about as flexible as a two by four inch board. I was an active kid and played lots of sports but Lord have mercy those hamstrings were tight! Although I thought it would be awesome if I was, I assumed and accepted that I would never be flexible. I wasn't blessed with that talent so I never would have it. Despite the fact that I had a hard time touching my toes, I went to a yoga class about a year ago and found that stretching felt good on my joints and muscles and made me feel relaxed. I really liked one particular stretch that focuses on the hips and leads into the front splits. I began to think "it would be so cool to be able to do the splits!" Since then I've made an effort to consistently and consciously stretch. It's not something that I've scheduled or obsessively enforced upon myself. I enjoy it. It relaxes me. It feels good so I remind myself that stretching is something I like to do and that quiet and enjoyable reminder turns into consistent practice in stretching. After a year of sticking with it I have gradually become able to do something I never imagined possible! I can do the splits!

It's tough to acknowledge that I'm not going to be a pro at something the first time I try it, but it's also extremely encouraging to know that if I love something enough to dedicate myself to consistent practice and patience, I eventually will be able to do it!

Say What??

The idea of being fake doesn't sit well with me so I used to hate the idea of using quotes and positive affirmations to somehow make me "feel better about myself." I felt like many motivational, inspirational, or even insight type quotes usually sounded good but in reality, weren't realistic. When push came to shove, no, I didn't feel "positive" or "calm" or good about myself and I would only be a part of the charade by preaching or embracing positive quotes and affirmations. Now, though, I'm finding that I can learn a whole lot about life and myself from what other people have said. I've found that reading and writing down enlightening quotes can help me remember aha moments of learning and help remind me of what I'm working on and for and how and what I can do or ways I can think to influence my life.

Here are some of my favorites right now:

"An atmosphere of nurturance, encouragement, and acceptance will cause you to blossom the fastest... Your thoughts are your atmosphere." -V Hansen, S. Goodman

"Owl, you're just confusing things. This is the day after Tuesday, and its not Thirds--I mean Thursday." "Then what day is it?" asked Owl. "It's Today!" squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. -A.A. Milne

"No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself." -Neil Anderson

"You have unique gifts to offer this planet, but only if you are willing to discover them, claim them, and express them." -Hansen, Goodman

"There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate." -Robert Brault

"Be an observer of your eating, not a judge. You can become a complete expert on your own body by simply eating with awareness of how your body feels before, during , and after eating. You cannot become aware while you are criticizing yourself." -Hansen, Goodman

"Change really happens when you DO something different and you experience the difference for yourself." -Rebekah Hennes

"The chronic 'Backsoon' always seems to have to be going somewhere, at least on a superficial, physical level. He doesn't go out for a walk though, he doesn't have time...The Bisy Backsoon has practically no time at all, because he's too busy wasting it by trying to save it. And by trying to save every bit of it, he ends up wasting the whole thing." -Benjamin Hoff

"You cannot tell your body what to do and listen at the same time." -Hansen, Goodman

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -Herm Albight

"I was going to buy a copy of the 'The Power of Positive Thinking' and then I thought 'what the hell good would that do?'" -Ronnie Shakes

"When the sun rises, it rises for everyone."

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats" -Voltair

"You can't leave foot prints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt...and who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?"

This is an awareness test.

Focus, this is tough!

So, how did you do? It took me a couple of times. I watched a video similar to this for the first time in a safety leadership class for my job. The idea behind showing the video was to remind us that we need to be aware of unsafe circumstances in the work place. What I began to think about though, is the parallel of this video to my life and its reinforcement of some things I've been learning. Simply put, we see what we focus our attention on and in the process may miss other seemingly obvious things. When I watch this video while focusing on the white team passing the ball, I don't even see "bear" trying to moonwalk. How could I not see something so obvious!?

I've often used this question rhetorically as evidence to argue that I do not have a beautiful or athletic body. It seems like a completely logical, air tight conclusion. If I see that parts of my body are "fat" and/or "ugly" then how can someone say they aren't. I see my body with my own eyes, and our eyes don't lie...right? I used to think things were this black and white but I'm learning that this is not the case.

The more I obsessively focus on something the less I see of other things and the more I mold the image that I am "seeing." Our minds are mysteriously powerful and what we focus on, we see. If I focus on the fat on my legs, that is what I will see and the image becomes more distorted as my obsessions grow. This dedicated focus also distracts me from noticing other parts and functions of my body. Just like I would have sworn there was no "dancing bear" in the video above, I become convinced that my body essentially consists of the fat on my legs, because, in both cases, that is what I "see!"

In order to see the "Bear" in the video I had to first realize that the real goal was not to count the number of passes. Then I had to apply a different level of awareness and unbiased curiosity about what I was seeing. In the same way, in order for me to see my body in its true beauty, I have to realize that the ultimate goal is not to have a perfect body by societal standards. Then I have to practice awareness of my whole body and apply that unbiased curiosity combined with loving appreciation for what I experience. Like the video says at the end, "It's easy to miss something you're not looking for."

The Hunger Spectrum

When people talk about emotional eating I often picture extreme stress or other uncomfortable emotions followed by the conscious decision to eat or binge to numb that feeling. Although this does happen and is obviously not natural, I'm finding that many times identifying emotional eating can be a little less obvious. Sometimes I don't even recognize emotional eating until I look back after I've eaten way too much in a distracted or unconscious way. I don't necessarily notice feeling ultra stressed out or depressed so I figure, oh, a couple of bites in front of the TV won't hurt, but then a couple bites becomes the whole piece, and the whole next piece, and so on. Before I know it, I've totally fallen way out of whack and am left discouraged, disappointed, and a little bewildered that I turned down that road again! Why do I not recognize it and what it will become at the beginning? 

With no way to deal with them growing up, I have practiced since I was young not to "feel" painful, sometimes taboo emotions. In my environment these were the majority of emotions but especially sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, love, kind words, appreciation, acceptance, disagreement, etc. and as I grew, I became more and more hungry for the emotional needs that I was not receiving. Like the majority of our society, I was also immersed in emotional and moral associations with food and appearance, and as I got older, I began to recognize that food made uncomfortable feelings go away or a while. Gradually my body began to associate emotions with food signals and my emotional "hunger" began to display similar thoughts and sensations to biological hunger. I had "hunger" in my emotional self so my body physically told me "I want food! I'm hungry!" This skewed mind-body signal became even more engrained as I continued to reinforce it with emotional eating or restricting.

Over the years my mind-body has learned that it is safer to feel hungry for food. Food never disappoints, it never leaves me or falls back on its commitments. When I'm biologically hungry I can eat and the hunger pangs subside. The problem with emotional eating is that the hunger I am truly experiencing is not biological, and feeding a biological hunger will never truly satisfy the actual "hunger." Eating feels good at first. It numbs me during that initial euphoria as I "use" it, but it never seems to fill me up. I can't get enough. I continue to eat, searching for satisfaction from my emotional hunger but I can't quite grasp it and at the end I'm left wondering "what the heck just happened!?"

Knowledge of ourselves is a powerful thing. If we can recognize that all encompassing "hunger feeling" and break it up into its components, like a prism separates the components of white light into a whole spectrum of colors, then we can identify exactly what types of hunger we are experiencing. Are the biological sensations sincere? Am I hungry for peace, rest, friendship, companionship, love, purpose, something to do? If I'm biologically hungry, food is the best food! But, if I'm hungry for acceptance or friendship, food will not fill me. Take a moment to feel the true hunger that you are experiencing and realize that it is ok.

"You aren't a bad person with low will power simply because you've eaten to cope! The problem is: long ago all of your hungers became confused into one signal - the signal for food. Be grateful for all the ways eating has helped you survive." -V Hansen, S. Goodman

No More Puffin'

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes, and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power." -Shirley MacLaine

Last night I remember having a very vivid dream in which I was smoking a cigar. In the dream I remember feeling guilty for indulging in such a "contemptible" behavior but I was enjoying it. It was very vivid. I remember sucking through the cigar and blowing out smoke, tasting a burnt flavor in my mouth, and tapping ashes off of the end of the cigar. What's funny is that I have never smoked a day in my life nor do I have any desire to do so. I remember in my dream feeling silly because I didn't really know what I was doing. Like most other mornings I woke up, briefly remembered my dream, thought "that was bizarre," and totally forgot about it.

Later in the day I finished up some shopping and walked out of the front doors of the store. As I took in my first breath I involuntarily gasped as the -10 degree air hit my lungs...and you know what the first split second thought to come to my mind was?..."Man, those cigars are messing up my lungs!" Baaahhh!! Wait! What!? I have never taken a puff of smoke in my entire life and yet, I had had such a vivid mental image of myself smoking a cigar that my mind associated my gasp with my lungs' inability to handle the cold because of smoking cigars.

I've gone through most of my life thinking that things like positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking were silly and just being used to try to make people "feel" better by pretending and denying the truth. Yet, if one obviously untrue vivid mental image (that I didn't even know I had remembered) could trigger me to react toward myself in such a convinced way (albeit for just a split second), imagine what continual negative thoughts toward ourselves can do. If I often look at my legs and think about how fat and ugly they are, then when I try on a pair of pants that don't fit, what is my first reaction going to be? Just like my initial thought about smoking cigars, I will think "Man, my legs are so fat and ugly." I would assume that this is why the pants didn't fit, just like I briefly assumed the cigar smoking was why I gasped, despite the actual validity of either assumption.

If one fleeting image of me smoking can make me assume that I gasped because I smoke cigars, the implications of continually reinforcing negative thoughts and perceptions are huge! These images and ideas we pound into our minds result in reacting as if those images and ideas are true. And by reacting as if they are true, they easily become true. They can then be even more strongly reenforced in our minds. I do not believe that we should ignore our problems or past or current pains nor should we just try and forget about them by "thinking positively," but we must realize and acknowledge the immense influence that the atmosphere of our thoughts has on the rest of our lives...mental and physical. There comes a point when dwelling on certain images and thoughts ceases to help us through difficult times and only perpetuates negative emotions and physical discomfort. We really do have the choice to think in whatever way we want to, which, considering the impact of those thoughts, is quite empowering! May we all put down the cigar!

It's not easy being green

One of the things that I struggle with is my self body image and the way I feel and talk about my body and self. I enjoyed my body when I was a child. I don't know if I consciously loved it because it just was what it was...I didn't have a concept of judgement against my body. Throughout the years and a slew of factors I've come to a place where I am often disgusted with parts of my body.  I've often used negative self talk thinking that if I was hard enough on myself I could change the way I looked. I've learned some interesting things over the last year though. I've realized that I've been looking at things from the complete wrong direction.

When people have told me that I have to love my body my thought (with sarcasm) has often been "everybody who ever tells me that is beautiful with a rockin' body." When I would think this I would think it in an "easy for you to say" way. What I'm beginning to see though, is the awesome obvious. Yes, all the people who have told me to love my body have had, in my opinion, great bodies. But oh my goodness, if they are right, shouldn't they be the ones with the "great bodies?" My dietitian once told me that she had never met an overweight person who got that way by loving themselves. The flaw in my thinking was that beautiful people loved their bodies because they had fabulous bodies, but in reality, it's the other way around. Beautiful people are beautiful because they have a healthy, beautiful love and view of themselves. The way we think about ourselves manifests itself in our bodies. Beauty is relative. If we see ourselves as beautiful and believe and act like we are, then we are beautiful!

Thus comes the hard part, loving my body before I feel it's 100% lovable. Loving my body in spite of the fact that it is not fabulously perfect. I'm learning that this takes time and patience. There's no magic switch or pill that makes us love our bodies. That is what the diet industry is trying to sell us. The first step is to stop any negative talk or comments about ourselves and/or body. Then we can begin to notice a part of our body that we like, enhance it in our minds, and then slowly move to the rest of our body. Focus on what you love and give zero attention to any negative thoughts. It feels really difficult but, unless everyone else is lying in the same exact manor, we'll gradually change and really loving our bodies won't be a struggle.

I was recently watching one of the first episodes of the Muppet's Show and a lot of the things that I've been learning about my view of myself and my body came together as I listed to Kermit's famous "It's not easy being green" song. I'll admit it's pretty silly saying this, but this song is awesomely profound and admirable.

"When green is all there is to be it could make you wonder why, but why wonder? why wonder? I'm green, it'll do fine...it's beautiful! and I think it's what I want to be."

Nia

Shortly before I went to the Center for Change I was reading about their program and came across an activity that I'd never heard of before...it seemed a little "suspicious." I said "what...the heck...is Nia??" It definitely sounded a little too woo-woo. I grew up in a very conservative environment with a football coach and weight trainer as a father and five siblings to shine against. Traditional training and athletics were a big deal in our little community and with the addition of my dad's views and my desire for his attention and approval, I was actively involved. I didn't know much about alternative types of exercise (as apposed to lifting weights, running, calisthenics, and team sports) but I "knew" that things like yoga and dance were for wussies and nuts.

Nia grew on me at the Center but the years after coming home I fell back on traditional exercise and apprehension about less traditional techniques. I think this was largely due to my environment and the expectations and opinions of my dad and others around me. I recently, however, had an experience that has really helped to adjust that last bit of apprehensive attitude towards intuitive movement and fun in exercise. I've been digitizing hours of home videos and ran across some tape of my youngest brother and sister "dancing." The first thought I had was wow, that reminds of me of Nia! I mean, it looked so much like Nia it could have passed for a Nia class if they weren't four years old (albeit it is a bit more sporadic and acrobatic). I recalled their performances and our responses to them. We thought they were cute, athletic, energetic, and talented. I asked myself "why should there be a difference between our attitude toward what these kids were doing and Nia, dance, or yoga? The only difference was that it wasn't called "Nia." It was just a couple of kids having a fun time moving their bodies and burning some energy. I realized that there is really no reason why I should have a different attitude towards doing the same thing myself. The fact that I'm not a kid anymore should not prohibit me from having fun by moving my body and burning some energy! People are always saying that they would love to be as fit as a kid. Well, then, it makes sense to listen to our bodies and move them like one!

Did I Do That ????

One of my favorite TV shows when I was growing up was "Family Matters" with the Winslow family and Steve Urkel. I remember an episode where Carl promises Steve to take him on a hot air balloon ride "tomorrow." The next day Steve keeps bothering Carl about the promised ride but Steve answers by saying "I told you I would take you tomorrow. Today is today, not tomorrow. I'll take you tomorrow." His implication of course, is that it is never tomorrow because it's always today.

I've noticed that I sometimes do the same thing to myself. I'll have specific goals and know what I need to do to accomplish those goals but when I get into a more challenging situation I'll say to myself, oh I'll just do it next time. The problem with this statement when using it as as a way to procrastinate or take the easy route is that "next time" never comes. We are always in this time.

Using the phrase "next time" in this context is different than using an encouraging voice (i.e. ok...I made a mistake but next time I can choose to do something different). When I use "next time" in the context above, I'm using it to justify the behavior inconsistent with my goals. If I'm tempted to restrict or overeat, for instance, a choice I have made in the past is to tell myself, "well, I'll just listen to my hunger-fullness next time" and then proceed to use and abuse food. I use the phrase "next time" in making my decision instead of using it to deal with what has happened. As Urkel found out though, it's always now and never next time. When I hear myself saying oh screw it, I'll just "do better next time," I try to remember that it's never next time, I only have this time and I need to act consistently with my goals in order to accomplish them. I try to remind myself that lots of things are difficult and scary to do but sometimes those are the things that I have to do...this time...because this time is last time's next time.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"Music is what feelings sound like."

I've always had lots of emotional connections or feelings when listening to or playing music. We can express things with words but music somehow adds another dimension of expression that can't be conveyed with words alone. E. Y. Harburg puts it well. "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought."

One of my favorite bands is Linkin Park. Most of their more popular songs from 5-8 years ago sound awesome but are honestly pretty depressing (i.e. "Nobody's Listening," "Numb," "From the Inside," etc.). I'm used to these older songs so when I recently heard one of their newer songs I couldn't help but think how cool it is to see how the message that the band portrays has changed. Linkin Park's earlier songs are painfully beautiful and express the sorrow, frustration, and pain that many of us feel. But, as I listen to Iridescent (Sept. 2010) I see an awesome transformation and am reminded of the reality that we do not have to be stuck forever in feelings of hopelessness. As we live, we learn and we grow and we begin to see things that we couldn't see before. The continued evolution of Linkin Park's music is like our dramatic experience of life. If you haven't heard any of their older music, I suggest listening to "Somewhere I Belong" or "Nobody's Listening" and then listen to "Iridescent"

Because it's Thursday!

Yesterday I found out that a Center for Change Alumni passed away last week due to complications caused by an eating disorder. I didn't know Abby but we were connected by our very powerful and emotional experiences and I'm deeply saddened by her passing. I've experienced this tragic death several times over the years and it tears me up every time. A few weeks ago I heard of the death of a girl that I crossed paths with at the center and, as every time I hear news like that, I was shocked and filled with a pain of frustrated understanding. I found a facebook page dedicated to her memory and read many wonderful things about her written by friends and family. As I read I began to think "I wonder if things could have been different if we would have told her these things before she died?" Why do we wait until it's to late to tell someone how great they are and how much we think of them and love them? We always say the kind and honest feelings from our hearts for those that have passed but wouldn't it make so much more sense to share these things while they are still with us? If our objective is to truly express to that person our love and gratefulness for them being who they are, then I think we should tell them! None of us are going to make it to our funerals to hear what everyone thought of us. For some reason I feel like it has been labeled inappropriate to just tell someone about something that you think is wonderful about them or how much they mean to you. I know I've been afraid to express things like this because I didn't want the person to think I was a creeper or fishing for complements for myself. I've feared that maybe they don't think that I should feel that way so I shouldn't tell them because then they would think I was weird. This is pretty ridiculous when I think about it from the other perspective. It always makes me feel good when someone gives me a compliment and it always feels great to hear how much I mean to someone.

Sometimes I won't say anything because there's no specific occasion or reason to. Why is a nice thing said so strange without having a specific reason? Our society is very linear...if you don't have an occasion to do something, you don't do it. We're afraid that we won't have an explanation as to why we have said something from our heart...but why do we need a "reason"? In the words of A. A. Milne, "Piglet thought that they ought to have a Reason for going to see everybody, like Looking for Small or Organizing an Expedition, if Pooh could think of something. Pooh could. 'We'll go because it's Thursday,' he said, 'and we'll go to wish everybody a Very Happy Thursday. Come on, Piglet.'"  Let's not wait for a Reason to tell others how wonderful they are!

Positive Pooh

So I work on the North Slope of Alaska (a.k.a. the Slope, Prudhoe Bay, Dead Horse, Up North, ...the moon...) on a shift schedule. I work for three weeks and then I get three weeks off to spend as I please. Yep, it's a pretty sick gig but the slope (and Alaska in general) can be kind of a tough place to live. On the slope I live in a "camp" with about 20 individual bedrooms, a couple of  offices, a conference type room, kitchen (no "hot" food), and a 10' by 8' room with a treadmill. Now I do spend time in larger camps and working in operations cabs in the field but it's not exactly a "soothing" or "homey" environment.

As my time at home winded down a few weeks ago I started feeling a bit apprehensive and bummed. I had finally been realizing the positive influence of soothing activities and a positive attitude. I don't think these ever worked for me in the past because, well, I never really tried them before. Sure I thought positively sometimes and did things that I enjoyed but I saw absolutely no point in seeing something in any other light than "the one it was." I screwed up a lot and I sucked for that. I was a stressed and depressed person, and that sucked too. Being stressed and depressed made me screw up more which, was also, a sucky predicament. I figured that being chronically stressed was something that I just had to live with and somehow work to stop the side effects.

 I had been thinking about the effects of Serotonin and Dopamine on hunger fullness and eating and wrote down the following: "Why do dopamine and serotonin deficiencies lead to craving certain foods and loss of impulse control? What can I do about it!? For now I have to work where there will be very little to no sunlight or outside time. How do I get it otherwise? How do I deal with chronic stress!? Isn't it largely based on environment and reactions?" I learned that things like stress, depression, and stressful work can affect Serotonin and Dopamine levels which can then affect mood, impulse control, and hunger and fullness perception. Unfortunately, I felt almost insulted by this lesson. "I have to work, there's no sunlight where I live for half the year, I am expected to perform exceptionally, I live in a high strung society ..." I felt that I had been handed a sentence of failure and thought and thought about how I could work around the effects of the biology and chemistry of my brain.
 
The problem with trying to abate the negative effects of stress by attacking just the effects is that, well, it doesn't work. You can't change the effect without changing the cause. I realized that instead of asking myself what I couldn't do about a situation, I needed to ask myself what I could do. I looked at things that caused stress, depression, and swings in serotonin and dopamine and looked for ways to change those experiences. The lack of sunlight in Alaska during the winter seems to be especially hard on my mood, energy level, and sleep regulation. Well, I couldn't make the sun rise but I could go get a light therapy lamp (Happy Lamp). I could choose to leave my bedroom on the slope like it was...plain, uncomfortable, and "worky" feeling, or I could bring up my own sheets and quilt and put some pictures on the wall. No open flames in camp...well I'll just have to use a candle warmer to create my own peaceful getaway.

It's been amazing to see how much of a difference just these few things have made not only at work but also at home. There's not much that feels better than being at peace and it's cool how everything just kind of falls into place after that. It is so much easier dealing with our problems when we first choose to deal with what is inflaming them. My key is to pause, look at the situation objectively, and see if there is something that I can try.

In Benjamin Hoff's book The Tao of Pooh, Hoff uses the "Expedition to the North Pole" when Roo fell into the stream to describe some familiar personalities. "Who was going to rescue Roo? Panicky Piglet was jumping up and down and making noises. Ineffective Owl was instructing Roo to keep his head above water. Concerned Kanga was asking if he was all right. Captain Rabbit was calling out commands...But Positive Pooh was looking at the situation, seeing what he could do about it, and trying something."

What I learned in Kindergarten

When I'm not working I volunteer at a local elementary school in the mornings. I have a group of 4th graders that I read with and I help a class of Kindergartners with numbers, letters, blowing noses, etc. A few weeks ago I stayed with the little ones to help out during lunch. The kids that didn't bring a sack lunch walked down the hall, got a tray, picked out the hot lunch items they wanted, and then carried their trays and food back to the classroom to eat. It was funny to see the tiny little tikes coming back down the hall towards the classroom with their big trays loaded up with all manor of random things. It was also interesting watching them eat. There didn't seem to be any emotional or moral associations with their food or their eating experience. If a burrito, fruit, jello, fruit pie, and chocolate milk all sounded delicious to them, then that is what they got. They didn't seem to feel good or bad about certain foods or feel like they were obligated to eat any amount of them. Some kids ate all of their burrito and some just had a little bit of everything. Once their tummies were full, their attention went to a much more important topic: recess!

I was thinking of these kiddos and the way that they ate after a bit of a discouraging experience I had with food. I sat down and pulled out my paper sack for lunch. I had a sizable amount of food in that bag but I only got some of it out and prepared it to eat...half of a sandwich, sugar free hot chocolate instead of chocolate milk, etc. I ate what I had prepared, then ate more, and ended up more full than I would have liked to be. When I was thinking back on that experience, trying to see what may have lead to me eating more than I would have liked, the image of those tiny Kindergartners walking down the hall with their trays all loaded up with everything they wanted popped into my head. I realized that my initial restriction lead to my over eating. Why did I restrict the amounts and types of food that I prepared for myself? Because I didn't want to overeat!! I had some sort of distorted feeling of guilt  when considering getting all of my food out and got scared considering eating several different items at once. I "knew" I didn't "need" that many calories and I felt I would get some feeling of satisfaction by finishing all of my food. In general, I didn't have the attitude of a Kindergartner.

Instead of getting everything that I wanted out and eating it as I desired, I limited myself. When I finished my half sandwich I wanted just a little bit more...another bite or two of that sandwich would have made me feel satisfied.But, since I didn't have anymore sandwich prepared, I ate more and more of other things unsuccessfully trying to achieve that satisfaction. So, by restricting to ovoid over eating, judgment, and wasting,  I ended up over eating. I've realized that I need to get back to the mind set of a child with food. Food doesn't have morals, nobody knows what my body wants right now better than me, and I do not have to eat any specific amount of the food that I want. They may not be able to read, but Kindergartners have got one thing down...they are expert intuitive eaters!

The Light Bulb

"It took Thomas Edison over 1,000 experiments to successfully invent the light bulb. Were the 999 initial experiments failures? Of course not! Each experiment showed Edison what didn't work, and that information was crucial in order to narrow down the possibilities of what did work." -V. Hansen, S. Goodman

I've read lots of quotes like this one before. "Mistakes are learning experiences, we all make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, bla bla bla....but I just don't want to make any mistakes!  I don't have time to start all over! I shouldn't make excuses to be lazy!" I've often felt I had to attain some sort of perfection and then I would be able to live my life...to relax, to be loved, to love myself, to soothe myself, to find passions, to enjoy things. Something is different about this Edison quote though. One specific word jumps out at me. From each failure to make a light bulb Edison discovered crucial information toward its development. Would it have been awesome if Edison got it right the first time? Yes. Would that have been possible? Nope...he didn't have all the crucial information! Ya, he could have gotten lucky, but if so, he wouldn't have had a clue how the contraption worked!

Life is a big 'ol contraption of all sorts of experiences, choices, and attitudes. Some of them work and some of them don't. Some of them make us feel good and some of them make us feel like scum. Some of them carry us into positive new passions and some of them keep us stuck in the same old thing we constantly wish to be free from. After making a mistake I would beat myself up and become extremely discouraged. "Failed AGAIN! Back to square one!" My thought was that if I was hard enough on myself I would do things right but if I was "soft" on myself I would never make any progress because then I would just be making a bunch of pathetic excuses along with all of my mistakes.

Now picture Edison...he has just made another mistake and the light bulb didn't work AGAIN! Does he rip up all his notes, crush the prototype, and call himself an idiot before starting over? No, of course not. If he did that he would never develop the light bulb. He would eventually begin making the same mistakes, over and over because he didn't spend the time to look at what didn't work and why.

In life we can trash everything we've just done, try to start all over, and hope "it" doesn't happen again or we can stop...look at what happened, look at what choices we made, look at the circumstances and environment that led up to those choices, and think about something that may work better. If we go through the situation in our mind we can slow it all down, look at the details, and think of things that we might want to change or different choices we could make. I am learning that visualizing discouraging situations and then altering them in my mind's eye not only helps me in similar situations, but also teaches me to slow down in the moment, to realize that it's ok to stop and take a breath and to think about what I want this to look like. I'm also learning that each time I make a mistake I can grasp some piece of "crucial" information about life and myself and then apply it in future experiences. I do not like making mistakes, but, thinking from this perspective, each time I do make a mistake there is part of me that is actually excited because I realize that I have just learned something new about myself or a new way to handle a situation. Trying out that new way of handling the situation in the previously failed circumstance through visualization gives me encouragement because I "see" that I am not doomed to failure. I can see what obviously did not work and what may work better. Then, like Edison, I can use what I've discovered to move along in my experiment of the life contraption.


"'Success' and 'Failure' imply that there will be an end to your learning. There is no end, only the discovery of the choices that work. You will simply become increasingly self-aware and increasingly respectful of your unique body." -V. Hansen, S. Goodman