Before I was in Kindergarten I learned the names of colors. Firetrucks were red, the grass was green, and sunflowers were yellow. I've carried these learnings throughout my life. Colors are facts. They are what they are. If I am sitting on a red couch, there is no reasonable amount of convincing by myself or others to make me believe that the couch is actually blue. I learned colors as a little girl, and have held my belief that red is red as truth.
What we hold as iron clad truths about ourselves develop from beliefs. We wouldn't believe something if we weren't convinced it was true! These truths guide our decisions, emotions, and reactions. For a long time I've struggled with poor body image, disordered eating, compulsive exercise, depression, perfectionism, insecurity, and a general sense that nobody sincerely cared about me. There are many ways to address complex issues like these but many involve the use of concepts including "positive affirmations," building self-esteem, visualization, not taking things personally, , and choosing to react positively. The mental health profession has had many successes using this approach and I have come far, but still struggle. I've always felt like there was something wrong with just telling myself that I am a great person with the hopes that it would stick. I felt like a fraud, like I was only painting over the rotten wood of my soul. Many times I logically saw the merit in positive affirmation and thinking approaches and have gotten some benefit from them. But, usually, I would still have a gnawing feeling that I was only fooling myself. Eventually some event always seemed to happen that would pop the optimistic bubble that I was trying to blow and I would be left feeling like it really is all a bunch of baloney.
Thanks to the persevering wisdom shared by mentors and a recent book, I'm beginning to learn why positive affirmations felt wrong and why they wouldn't stick. Why so much of my life has been wrapped up in pain and disappointment, and why I do things I don't want to do.
According to the authors of "Truth Serum," at the core of all of our reactions (emotional and physical) are beliefs we hold as truth. When we encounter a situation, we take it in, consult our beliefs (i.e. "the truth"), evaluate the situation based on those beliefs, and then react accordingly. We all hold lots of beliefs but the authors of "Truth Serum" propose that there are four core beliefs that affect every aspect of our lives. These beliefs form the foundation of self perception, impacting how we feel, how we react to others, our relationships, our potential, choices we make, ...everything! We don't react randomly to any circumstance. We base our decisions and reactions on what we believe to be truth.
The four core beliefs presented in the aforementioned book are our own love-ability, accept-ability, approve-ability, and control-ability. The reason for so much of the unwanted feelings of rejection, pain, relationships awry, illogical behavior, and more often come down to an error in core self beliefs. Now, I've heard this before..."there's nothing wrong with you, you are a great person, you just need to love yourself" etc. I did need to love myself, but telling that was like telling me that the couch I am sitting on is in fact, blue, not red. From a young age I learned and believed that this particular shade that makes up the couch is red, not blue. I hold this belief as truth. In the same way, as a little girl I learned beliefs that I was unlovable, unacceptable, un-approvable, and powerless. And, just like red is not blue, I cannot love something that is unlovable. I cannot, nor can anyone accept something that is unacceptable.
A core belief in faulty and irrational truths results in faulty and irrational emotions, reactions, actions, and relationships. It permeates everything in life because we are always consulting what we believe to be true.
When I was in high school I got perfect grades. Actually, in most cases I got better than perfect grades. One quarter during my sophomore year, however, I looked at my report card and saw that I had been given a 'B' in band. I. Was. Crushed! I went home and cried enough to fill the Dead Sea. What an unnecessary and irrational response! I knew kids who would give their left eye for a 'B'. Why did I react this way? When I saw that I had been give a 'B', my mind quickly went through its method of processing information by consulting my core beliefs. Deep down I "knew" that I was unacceptable, un-approveable, and powerless, and when my teacher labeled my performance as less than what I expected, it sharply confirmed that I was worthless. And no matter how many times a person receives that message, it is heartbreaking.
Even as I have grown out of my extreme perfectionism, I have still often felt that life has constantly been handing me the short end of the stick. I felt insignificant in relationships and sub-par at work. The reasons for these feelings are the same as those for my reaction to my 'B' in band. Something would happen, I would consult my beliefs regarding the event, and I would feel like I got slapped in the face...again! For example, if someone didn't show up when we agreed to meet, I would feel hurt and frustrated. "Why does this always happen to me? Will someone please tell me what it is about me that makes me so easy to dismiss, to forget, to not be a priority?" What's important to notice here is that I would have this reaction despite the real reason behind the absence. When the person doesn't show up, my mind wonders why. I consult what I know to be true and conclude that it is because, when the rubber meets the road, I am unlovable, un-acceptable, and un-approvable. That hurts.
When a person doesn't show up, I here them confirming that I am worthless. I begin to go through a cascading cycle of emotions in reaction to my conclusion: indifference - "I don't care!" Tolerance - "I can take it," Anger - "WTF!" Fear - "what if no-one ever likes me?" Hurt - "I am in pain" and finally, what it all comes down to, Belief - "I don't like who I am."
It's amazing that a single incident could spur such distress and hurt! The thing is, though, it is not the indecent that causes this particular reaction and these emotions, it is my core beliefs that I hold as truth. It is those beliefs that have been instilled in me since I was a young child, those beliefs that result in feelings of "being shafted" all the time. No matter what the reasoning is behind something that happens or something said, I consult the same negative beliefs and consequently come to the same disappointing conclusion. It begins to feel like I'm always getting kicked to the curb and never sincerely loved because I come to these conclusions every time I consult my beliefs. It begins to feel like I'm not sincerely loved because I believe that I am unlovable. The conclusion I come to doesn't come about because of what happened, it comes about because of what I believe to be true.
A while back a friend of mine was planning to come over to my house to spend time with me and another friend. My other friend came over but she never showed up. I knew she was a little flaky (tolerance) but come on. "What do I have to do to get a little respect in this world! (anger). Did I do something wrong? (fear). Why does everyone always ditch me? Is there anyone who cares sincerely about me? (pain). What is wrong with me? I don't like who I am (belief). Later that evening I got a message from her husband. On her way to my house she had been t-boned at a stop light. She had a broken arm, 3 fractures in her pelvis, her car was destroyed, and she would be in the hospital for several days. The event didn't cause the way I felt, my beliefs did.
Flawed beliefs can have such a profoundly negative impact on our lives, not to mention the fact that the reactions and pain they cause are totally unnecessary. No matter the actual reason for events or words, they lead to disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness, unwanted behaviors, poor choices, and a very sad life in general. What I find so encouraging though, is the fact that these beliefs are learned beliefs. They were learned from those who raised us and who were around us, who learned it from those who raised influenced them. It is possible that what I have learned and concluded about myself is not truth. It is possible that people aren't always finding me low priority in the scope of a relationship. It is possible that I am loveable, acceptable, approve able, and powerful. Just knowing that these are possibilities is so emotionally freeing. Knowing that I can choose my beliefs and am not forever bound to those that confirmed my worthlessness in an of its self seems to boost my self worth. It is amazing and encouraging to realize that changing my beliefs does not make me a fraud. It shows me who I truly am.
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