It's not easy being green

One of the things that I struggle with is my self body image and the way I feel and talk about my body and self. I enjoyed my body when I was a child. I don't know if I consciously loved it because it just was what it was...I didn't have a concept of judgement against my body. Throughout the years and a slew of factors I've come to a place where I am often disgusted with parts of my body.  I've often used negative self talk thinking that if I was hard enough on myself I could change the way I looked. I've learned some interesting things over the last year though. I've realized that I've been looking at things from the complete wrong direction.

When people have told me that I have to love my body my thought (with sarcasm) has often been "everybody who ever tells me that is beautiful with a rockin' body." When I would think this I would think it in an "easy for you to say" way. What I'm beginning to see though, is the awesome obvious. Yes, all the people who have told me to love my body have had, in my opinion, great bodies. But oh my goodness, if they are right, shouldn't they be the ones with the "great bodies?" My dietitian once told me that she had never met an overweight person who got that way by loving themselves. The flaw in my thinking was that beautiful people loved their bodies because they had fabulous bodies, but in reality, it's the other way around. Beautiful people are beautiful because they have a healthy, beautiful love and view of themselves. The way we think about ourselves manifests itself in our bodies. Beauty is relative. If we see ourselves as beautiful and believe and act like we are, then we are beautiful!

Thus comes the hard part, loving my body before I feel it's 100% lovable. Loving my body in spite of the fact that it is not fabulously perfect. I'm learning that this takes time and patience. There's no magic switch or pill that makes us love our bodies. That is what the diet industry is trying to sell us. The first step is to stop any negative talk or comments about ourselves and/or body. Then we can begin to notice a part of our body that we like, enhance it in our minds, and then slowly move to the rest of our body. Focus on what you love and give zero attention to any negative thoughts. It feels really difficult but, unless everyone else is lying in the same exact manor, we'll gradually change and really loving our bodies won't be a struggle.

I was recently watching one of the first episodes of the Muppet's Show and a lot of the things that I've been learning about my view of myself and my body came together as I listed to Kermit's famous "It's not easy being green" song. I'll admit it's pretty silly saying this, but this song is awesomely profound and admirable.

"When green is all there is to be it could make you wonder why, but why wonder? why wonder? I'm green, it'll do fine...it's beautiful! and I think it's what I want to be."

Nia

Shortly before I went to the Center for Change I was reading about their program and came across an activity that I'd never heard of before...it seemed a little "suspicious." I said "what...the heck...is Nia??" It definitely sounded a little too woo-woo. I grew up in a very conservative environment with a football coach and weight trainer as a father and five siblings to shine against. Traditional training and athletics were a big deal in our little community and with the addition of my dad's views and my desire for his attention and approval, I was actively involved. I didn't know much about alternative types of exercise (as apposed to lifting weights, running, calisthenics, and team sports) but I "knew" that things like yoga and dance were for wussies and nuts.

Nia grew on me at the Center but the years after coming home I fell back on traditional exercise and apprehension about less traditional techniques. I think this was largely due to my environment and the expectations and opinions of my dad and others around me. I recently, however, had an experience that has really helped to adjust that last bit of apprehensive attitude towards intuitive movement and fun in exercise. I've been digitizing hours of home videos and ran across some tape of my youngest brother and sister "dancing." The first thought I had was wow, that reminds of me of Nia! I mean, it looked so much like Nia it could have passed for a Nia class if they weren't four years old (albeit it is a bit more sporadic and acrobatic). I recalled their performances and our responses to them. We thought they were cute, athletic, energetic, and talented. I asked myself "why should there be a difference between our attitude toward what these kids were doing and Nia, dance, or yoga? The only difference was that it wasn't called "Nia." It was just a couple of kids having a fun time moving their bodies and burning some energy. I realized that there is really no reason why I should have a different attitude towards doing the same thing myself. The fact that I'm not a kid anymore should not prohibit me from having fun by moving my body and burning some energy! People are always saying that they would love to be as fit as a kid. Well, then, it makes sense to listen to our bodies and move them like one!

Did I Do That ????

One of my favorite TV shows when I was growing up was "Family Matters" with the Winslow family and Steve Urkel. I remember an episode where Carl promises Steve to take him on a hot air balloon ride "tomorrow." The next day Steve keeps bothering Carl about the promised ride but Steve answers by saying "I told you I would take you tomorrow. Today is today, not tomorrow. I'll take you tomorrow." His implication of course, is that it is never tomorrow because it's always today.

I've noticed that I sometimes do the same thing to myself. I'll have specific goals and know what I need to do to accomplish those goals but when I get into a more challenging situation I'll say to myself, oh I'll just do it next time. The problem with this statement when using it as as a way to procrastinate or take the easy route is that "next time" never comes. We are always in this time.

Using the phrase "next time" in this context is different than using an encouraging voice (i.e. ok...I made a mistake but next time I can choose to do something different). When I use "next time" in the context above, I'm using it to justify the behavior inconsistent with my goals. If I'm tempted to restrict or overeat, for instance, a choice I have made in the past is to tell myself, "well, I'll just listen to my hunger-fullness next time" and then proceed to use and abuse food. I use the phrase "next time" in making my decision instead of using it to deal with what has happened. As Urkel found out though, it's always now and never next time. When I hear myself saying oh screw it, I'll just "do better next time," I try to remember that it's never next time, I only have this time and I need to act consistently with my goals in order to accomplish them. I try to remind myself that lots of things are difficult and scary to do but sometimes those are the things that I have to do...this time...because this time is last time's next time.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"Music is what feelings sound like."

I've always had lots of emotional connections or feelings when listening to or playing music. We can express things with words but music somehow adds another dimension of expression that can't be conveyed with words alone. E. Y. Harburg puts it well. "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought."

One of my favorite bands is Linkin Park. Most of their more popular songs from 5-8 years ago sound awesome but are honestly pretty depressing (i.e. "Nobody's Listening," "Numb," "From the Inside," etc.). I'm used to these older songs so when I recently heard one of their newer songs I couldn't help but think how cool it is to see how the message that the band portrays has changed. Linkin Park's earlier songs are painfully beautiful and express the sorrow, frustration, and pain that many of us feel. But, as I listen to Iridescent (Sept. 2010) I see an awesome transformation and am reminded of the reality that we do not have to be stuck forever in feelings of hopelessness. As we live, we learn and we grow and we begin to see things that we couldn't see before. The continued evolution of Linkin Park's music is like our dramatic experience of life. If you haven't heard any of their older music, I suggest listening to "Somewhere I Belong" or "Nobody's Listening" and then listen to "Iridescent"

Because it's Thursday!

Yesterday I found out that a Center for Change Alumni passed away last week due to complications caused by an eating disorder. I didn't know Abby but we were connected by our very powerful and emotional experiences and I'm deeply saddened by her passing. I've experienced this tragic death several times over the years and it tears me up every time. A few weeks ago I heard of the death of a girl that I crossed paths with at the center and, as every time I hear news like that, I was shocked and filled with a pain of frustrated understanding. I found a facebook page dedicated to her memory and read many wonderful things about her written by friends and family. As I read I began to think "I wonder if things could have been different if we would have told her these things before she died?" Why do we wait until it's to late to tell someone how great they are and how much we think of them and love them? We always say the kind and honest feelings from our hearts for those that have passed but wouldn't it make so much more sense to share these things while they are still with us? If our objective is to truly express to that person our love and gratefulness for them being who they are, then I think we should tell them! None of us are going to make it to our funerals to hear what everyone thought of us. For some reason I feel like it has been labeled inappropriate to just tell someone about something that you think is wonderful about them or how much they mean to you. I know I've been afraid to express things like this because I didn't want the person to think I was a creeper or fishing for complements for myself. I've feared that maybe they don't think that I should feel that way so I shouldn't tell them because then they would think I was weird. This is pretty ridiculous when I think about it from the other perspective. It always makes me feel good when someone gives me a compliment and it always feels great to hear how much I mean to someone.

Sometimes I won't say anything because there's no specific occasion or reason to. Why is a nice thing said so strange without having a specific reason? Our society is very linear...if you don't have an occasion to do something, you don't do it. We're afraid that we won't have an explanation as to why we have said something from our heart...but why do we need a "reason"? In the words of A. A. Milne, "Piglet thought that they ought to have a Reason for going to see everybody, like Looking for Small or Organizing an Expedition, if Pooh could think of something. Pooh could. 'We'll go because it's Thursday,' he said, 'and we'll go to wish everybody a Very Happy Thursday. Come on, Piglet.'"  Let's not wait for a Reason to tell others how wonderful they are!

Positive Pooh

So I work on the North Slope of Alaska (a.k.a. the Slope, Prudhoe Bay, Dead Horse, Up North, ...the moon...) on a shift schedule. I work for three weeks and then I get three weeks off to spend as I please. Yep, it's a pretty sick gig but the slope (and Alaska in general) can be kind of a tough place to live. On the slope I live in a "camp" with about 20 individual bedrooms, a couple of  offices, a conference type room, kitchen (no "hot" food), and a 10' by 8' room with a treadmill. Now I do spend time in larger camps and working in operations cabs in the field but it's not exactly a "soothing" or "homey" environment.

As my time at home winded down a few weeks ago I started feeling a bit apprehensive and bummed. I had finally been realizing the positive influence of soothing activities and a positive attitude. I don't think these ever worked for me in the past because, well, I never really tried them before. Sure I thought positively sometimes and did things that I enjoyed but I saw absolutely no point in seeing something in any other light than "the one it was." I screwed up a lot and I sucked for that. I was a stressed and depressed person, and that sucked too. Being stressed and depressed made me screw up more which, was also, a sucky predicament. I figured that being chronically stressed was something that I just had to live with and somehow work to stop the side effects.

 I had been thinking about the effects of Serotonin and Dopamine on hunger fullness and eating and wrote down the following: "Why do dopamine and serotonin deficiencies lead to craving certain foods and loss of impulse control? What can I do about it!? For now I have to work where there will be very little to no sunlight or outside time. How do I get it otherwise? How do I deal with chronic stress!? Isn't it largely based on environment and reactions?" I learned that things like stress, depression, and stressful work can affect Serotonin and Dopamine levels which can then affect mood, impulse control, and hunger and fullness perception. Unfortunately, I felt almost insulted by this lesson. "I have to work, there's no sunlight where I live for half the year, I am expected to perform exceptionally, I live in a high strung society ..." I felt that I had been handed a sentence of failure and thought and thought about how I could work around the effects of the biology and chemistry of my brain.
 
The problem with trying to abate the negative effects of stress by attacking just the effects is that, well, it doesn't work. You can't change the effect without changing the cause. I realized that instead of asking myself what I couldn't do about a situation, I needed to ask myself what I could do. I looked at things that caused stress, depression, and swings in serotonin and dopamine and looked for ways to change those experiences. The lack of sunlight in Alaska during the winter seems to be especially hard on my mood, energy level, and sleep regulation. Well, I couldn't make the sun rise but I could go get a light therapy lamp (Happy Lamp). I could choose to leave my bedroom on the slope like it was...plain, uncomfortable, and "worky" feeling, or I could bring up my own sheets and quilt and put some pictures on the wall. No open flames in camp...well I'll just have to use a candle warmer to create my own peaceful getaway.

It's been amazing to see how much of a difference just these few things have made not only at work but also at home. There's not much that feels better than being at peace and it's cool how everything just kind of falls into place after that. It is so much easier dealing with our problems when we first choose to deal with what is inflaming them. My key is to pause, look at the situation objectively, and see if there is something that I can try.

In Benjamin Hoff's book The Tao of Pooh, Hoff uses the "Expedition to the North Pole" when Roo fell into the stream to describe some familiar personalities. "Who was going to rescue Roo? Panicky Piglet was jumping up and down and making noises. Ineffective Owl was instructing Roo to keep his head above water. Concerned Kanga was asking if he was all right. Captain Rabbit was calling out commands...But Positive Pooh was looking at the situation, seeing what he could do about it, and trying something."

What I learned in Kindergarten

When I'm not working I volunteer at a local elementary school in the mornings. I have a group of 4th graders that I read with and I help a class of Kindergartners with numbers, letters, blowing noses, etc. A few weeks ago I stayed with the little ones to help out during lunch. The kids that didn't bring a sack lunch walked down the hall, got a tray, picked out the hot lunch items they wanted, and then carried their trays and food back to the classroom to eat. It was funny to see the tiny little tikes coming back down the hall towards the classroom with their big trays loaded up with all manor of random things. It was also interesting watching them eat. There didn't seem to be any emotional or moral associations with their food or their eating experience. If a burrito, fruit, jello, fruit pie, and chocolate milk all sounded delicious to them, then that is what they got. They didn't seem to feel good or bad about certain foods or feel like they were obligated to eat any amount of them. Some kids ate all of their burrito and some just had a little bit of everything. Once their tummies were full, their attention went to a much more important topic: recess!

I was thinking of these kiddos and the way that they ate after a bit of a discouraging experience I had with food. I sat down and pulled out my paper sack for lunch. I had a sizable amount of food in that bag but I only got some of it out and prepared it to eat...half of a sandwich, sugar free hot chocolate instead of chocolate milk, etc. I ate what I had prepared, then ate more, and ended up more full than I would have liked to be. When I was thinking back on that experience, trying to see what may have lead to me eating more than I would have liked, the image of those tiny Kindergartners walking down the hall with their trays all loaded up with everything they wanted popped into my head. I realized that my initial restriction lead to my over eating. Why did I restrict the amounts and types of food that I prepared for myself? Because I didn't want to overeat!! I had some sort of distorted feeling of guilt  when considering getting all of my food out and got scared considering eating several different items at once. I "knew" I didn't "need" that many calories and I felt I would get some feeling of satisfaction by finishing all of my food. In general, I didn't have the attitude of a Kindergartner.

Instead of getting everything that I wanted out and eating it as I desired, I limited myself. When I finished my half sandwich I wanted just a little bit more...another bite or two of that sandwich would have made me feel satisfied.But, since I didn't have anymore sandwich prepared, I ate more and more of other things unsuccessfully trying to achieve that satisfaction. So, by restricting to ovoid over eating, judgment, and wasting,  I ended up over eating. I've realized that I need to get back to the mind set of a child with food. Food doesn't have morals, nobody knows what my body wants right now better than me, and I do not have to eat any specific amount of the food that I want. They may not be able to read, but Kindergartners have got one thing down...they are expert intuitive eaters!