Red is Red and Blue is Blue

Before I was in Kindergarten I learned the names of colors. Firetrucks were red, the grass was green, and sunflowers were yellow. I've carried these learnings throughout my life. Colors are facts. They are what they are. If I am sitting on a red couch, there is no reasonable amount of convincing by myself or others to make me believe that the couch is actually blue. I learned colors as a little girl, and have held my belief that red is red as truth.

What we hold as iron clad truths about ourselves develop from beliefs. We wouldn't believe something if we weren't convinced it was true! These truths guide our decisions, emotions, and reactions. For a long time I've struggled with poor body image, disordered eating, compulsive exercise, depression, perfectionism, insecurity, and a general sense that nobody sincerely cared about me. There are many ways to address complex issues like these but many involve the use of concepts including "positive affirmations," building self-esteem, visualization, not taking things personally, , and choosing to react positively. The mental health profession has had many successes using this approach and I have come far, but still struggle. I've always felt like there was something wrong with just telling myself that I am a great person with the hopes that it would stick. I felt like a fraud, like I was only painting over the rotten wood of my soul. Many times I logically saw the merit in positive affirmation and thinking approaches and have gotten some benefit from them. But, usually, I would still have a gnawing feeling that I was only fooling myself. Eventually some event always seemed to happen that would pop the optimistic bubble that I was trying to blow and I would be left feeling like it really is all a bunch of baloney.

Thanks to the persevering wisdom shared by mentors and a recent book, I'm beginning to learn why positive affirmations felt wrong and why they wouldn't stick. Why so much of my life has been wrapped up in pain and disappointment, and why I do things I don't want to do.

According to the authors of "Truth Serum," at the core of all of our reactions (emotional and physical) are beliefs we hold as truth. When we encounter a situation, we take it in, consult our beliefs (i.e. "the truth"), evaluate the situation based on those beliefs, and then react accordingly. We all hold lots of beliefs but the authors of "Truth Serum" propose that there are four core beliefs that affect every aspect of our lives. These beliefs form the foundation of self perception, impacting how we feel, how we react to others, our relationships, our potential, choices we make, ...everything! We don't react randomly to any circumstance. We base our decisions and reactions on what we believe to be truth.

The four core beliefs presented in the aforementioned book are our own love-ability, accept-ability, approve-ability, and control-ability. The reason for so much of the unwanted feelings of rejection, pain, relationships awry, illogical behavior, and more often come down to an error in core self beliefs. Now, I've heard this before..."there's nothing wrong with you, you are a great person, you just need to love yourself" etc. I did need to love myself, but telling that was like telling me that the couch I am sitting on is in fact, blue, not red. From a young age I learned and believed that this particular shade that makes up the couch is red, not blue. I hold this belief as truth. In the same way, as a little girl I learned beliefs that I was unlovable, unacceptable, un-approvable, and powerless. And, just like red is not blue, I cannot love something that is unlovable. I cannot, nor can anyone accept something that is unacceptable.

A core belief in faulty and irrational truths results in faulty and irrational emotions, reactions, actions, and relationships. It permeates everything in life because we are always consulting what we believe to be true.

When I was in high school I got perfect grades. Actually, in most cases I got better than perfect grades. One quarter during my sophomore year, however, I looked at my report card and saw that I had been given a 'B' in band. I. Was. Crushed! I went home and cried enough to fill the Dead Sea. What an unnecessary and irrational response! I knew kids who would give their left eye for a 'B'. Why did I react this way? When I saw that I had been give a 'B', my mind quickly went through its method of processing information by consulting my core beliefs. Deep down I "knew" that I was unacceptable, un-approveable, and powerless, and when my teacher labeled my performance as less than what I expected, it sharply confirmed that I was worthless. And no matter how many times a person receives that message, it is heartbreaking.

Even as I have grown out of my extreme perfectionism, I have still often felt that life has constantly been handing me the short end of the stick. I felt insignificant in relationships and sub-par at work. The reasons for these feelings are the same as those for my reaction to my 'B' in band. Something would happen, I would consult my beliefs regarding the event, and I would feel like I got slapped in the face...again! For example, if someone didn't show up when we agreed to meet, I would feel hurt and frustrated. "Why does this always happen to me? Will someone please tell me what it is about me that makes me so easy to dismiss, to forget, to not be a priority?" What's important to notice here is that I would have this reaction despite the real reason behind the absence. When the person doesn't show up, my mind wonders why. I consult what I know to be true and conclude that it is because, when the rubber meets the road, I am unlovable, un-acceptable, and un-approvable. That hurts.

When a person doesn't show up, I here them confirming that I am worthless. I begin to go through a cascading cycle of emotions in reaction to my conclusion: indifference - "I don't care!" Tolerance - "I can take it," Anger - "WTF!" Fear - "what if no-one ever likes me?" Hurt - "I am in pain" and finally, what it all comes down to, Belief - "I don't like who I am."

It's amazing that a single incident could spur such distress and hurt! The thing is, though, it is not the indecent that causes this particular reaction and these emotions, it is my core beliefs that I hold as truth. It is those beliefs that have been instilled in me since I was a young child, those beliefs that result in feelings of "being shafted" all the time. No matter what the reasoning is behind something that happens or something said, I consult the same negative beliefs and consequently come to the same disappointing conclusion. It begins to feel like I'm always getting kicked to the curb and never sincerely loved because I come to these conclusions every time I consult my beliefs. It begins to feel like I'm not sincerely loved because I believe that I am unlovable. The conclusion I come to doesn't come about because of what happened, it comes about because of what I believe to be true.

A while back a friend of mine was planning to come over to my house to spend time with me and another friend. My other friend came over but she never showed up. I knew she was a little flaky (tolerance) but come on. "What do I have to do to get a little respect in this world! (anger). Did I do something wrong? (fear). Why does everyone always ditch me? Is there anyone who cares sincerely about me? (pain). What is wrong with me? I don't like who I am (belief). Later that evening I got a message from her husband. On her way to my house she had been t-boned at a stop light. She had a broken arm, 3 fractures in her pelvis, her car was destroyed, and she would be in the hospital for several days. The event didn't cause the way I felt, my beliefs did.

Flawed beliefs can have such a profoundly negative impact on our lives, not to mention the fact that the reactions and pain they cause are totally unnecessary. No matter the actual reason for events or words, they lead to disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness, unwanted behaviors, poor choices, and a very sad life in general. What I find so encouraging though, is the fact that these beliefs are learned beliefs. They were learned from those who raised us and who were around us, who learned it from those who raised influenced them. It is possible that what I have learned and concluded about myself is not truth. It is possible that people aren't always finding me low priority in the scope of a relationship. It is possible that I am loveable, acceptable, approve able, and powerful. Just knowing that these are possibilities is so emotionally freeing. Knowing that I can choose my beliefs and am not forever bound to those that confirmed my worthlessness in an of its self seems to boost my self worth. It is amazing and encouraging to realize that changing my beliefs does not make me a fraud. It shows me who I truly am.

Make Your Own RAD Pole Garage!

Even though I live in the largest state in the country, I am still thousands of miles from the nearest pole studio. So, after gaining inspiration from the International Pole Convention and PoleMoves Movement Arts Studio, I decided to build my own. Here's how I did it, without spending a small fortune.

Before I built my pole space I had one pole up in my living room...it was a pain because I had to take it down each time to avoid damaging the carpet or ceiling. I soon began to envision half of my garage as my pole haven. My garage is tall enough to allow me to use all of my pole extensions and its spacious and apart from the house. The cold cement floor isn't to comforting though. 

I definitely wanted mats in my space but I'm a cheap engineer, so I figured I'd try my hand at making my own. Carpet padding works great as the main component of a mat. You can also usually get it really cheap. At a home improvement stores like Lowes, it runs around $100 to $130 per 30 sq yard roll, but you can usually find new carpet padding for sale or for free on websites like Craig's List. I purchased two rolls of ~1/2" thick padding for $100 from a local contractor. For the top of the mat I used gym equipment mats, but also considered carpet/gym puzzle flooring and fabric.

Once I decided on the dimensions I wanted and the best location for my poles (keeping in mind that the garage door still has to open), I started rolling out and cutting padding with a sharp box cutter. The padding comes is rolls 6ft wide so some splicing together of pieces may be in order if you have different dimensions to cover. To get a mat thickness of around 3" I stacked five layers of carpet padding and topped it off with the gym equipment mats. I taped the mats together with black duct tape...although I strongly considered pink. I was a little concerned that the tape wouldn't stick well enough and would peel, leaving sticky residue, but it has held up very well. I also wondered if I would need to adhere the different layers of carpet padding together but I didn't and they've stayed together well (with minor modifications occasionally). I would suggest, however, that if you use multiple pieces of padding in each layer (i.e. cut up pieces to make up specific dimensions), then tape those pieces together using duct tape to keep them from drifting apart.

Once I got my mat together I cut holes for my poles using measurements made when I determined the best place for the poles. I once again used a sharp box cutter (I went through several blades throughout the project) and a measuring tape to make about 3" x 3" holes through all of the mat components in two places. Next I slid the x-pole bases under the mat until they each poked out of their respective holes.

In order to avoid having to decide on pole placement based on location of roof studs, I used wide pieces of wood to distribute the compression load of the pole across several support members. These go right in between the roof and the top dome of the x-pole. After leveling the poles and tightening them up, I just had to hang some pictures of hot pole guys and amazing pros, plug in the speakers, and get a Scentsy going for a sweet smell!  In all I spent about $230 (not including the poles) and absolutely love how everything turned out!

At the Crux.

A few years back I participated in an outdoor rock climbing session for experiential therapy. I wanted to climb but I wasn't to enthused about the whole "therapy" part. I understood that the therapists were trying to help, but it seemed ridiculous to me at the time to talk about feelings and goals and "overcoming"...bla bla bla...We weren't laying down on some couch spilling our life stories, we were just going to climb some rocks! When I finally got my chance, I squeezed into my tiny climbing shoes and began scaling a small, challenging cliff. I came within a couple of moves from the top and my arms began to give. They were extremely "pumped." I felt completely spent and was afraid I just couldn't go on. I was so close to the top though, people were cheering me on. I specifically remember the conscious decision I made then. "I can do this. I will do this." I looked deep within me and pushed through what I thought was to difficult.

As I finished the climb and was lowered back to the ground, it dawned on me how parallel this experience could be toward my life. We all experience difficult, fearful, heart-wrenching situations. They seem impossible to overcome at the time. We are "completely spent." We feel like we just can't go on...it's too hard. I realized though, that if I look within myself and push forward with everything I have, I can accomplish what seems impossible. Sometimes the "climbs" aren't difficult but other times we have to access that extra strength within ourselves to pull up the last few feet. The hard part isn't when you start climbing, it's when you've almost reached the top...you're fatigued, maybe scared, your body hurts...but it's then that just one last push will bring success.

I've started to climb again over the last year and am constantly reminded of my experience on the cliffs in Utah. It seems that everything I read related to climbing has an experiential therapy lesson. I must not be the only one who experiences a mind-body connection while climbing! I sometimes struggle with honoring the commitments or goals I make with myself. After a particularly rough period of time I came across a full page add/picture in a magazine of a rock climber high on a difficult climb. In big black bold lettering printed to the left was a quote from the climber. "At the crux. No turning back. I commit." What an awesome, inspiring, and helpful attitude, for climbing, and for life!

"In my three decades as a climber, perhaps the biggest breakthrough occurred when I realized that almost all the mental skills and strategies I learned through climbing could be applied to other areas in my life...In pushing personal boundaries and confronting the unknown, it's common to ponder the benefits of a retreat. Acknowledge such mental battles--between your desire to do new things and your primal instinct to avoid discomfort and failure--as being a normal part of the process. Resolve to persevere and you'll redefine your abilities and perception of what is possible." -Eric J. Horst

Stretching my Thinking

I always thought that flexibility was one of those things that you are either born with our you're not. That's the way I've thought about a lot of things. You're either good at sports or you sit the bench. If you're no good at music you won't ever be able to play the guitar, or at least not very well. I've looked upon people who were really good at whatever they were doing and thought "man that is awesome, I wish I was able to do that...but that person obviously has way more talent and ability than I do." Instead of being inspired by an amazing performance, I am usually discouraged by feelings of inadequacy and disappointment. I attribute their performance to some innate talent or ability that they were blessed with and I was not.

Although this type of mind set is pervasive in our society, I'm learning that it really isn't accurate. People have many differently personalities, experiences, learning styles, and ways of thinking, but abilities and skill level are not due to innate talent or genes. They are a result of consistent practice. Yes certain people may have more of an inclination towards particular things, but I believe what we see as "talent" is passion that has fueled consistent, dedicated practice. A child music protege is not born with the ability to play the piano. They are born with a determined spirit and develop such an immense passion and love for playing the instrument that they practice all the time!

I used to be about as flexible as a two by four inch board. I was an active kid and played lots of sports but Lord have mercy those hamstrings were tight! Although I thought it would be awesome if I was, I assumed and accepted that I would never be flexible. I wasn't blessed with that talent so I never would have it. Despite the fact that I had a hard time touching my toes, I went to a yoga class about a year ago and found that stretching felt good on my joints and muscles and made me feel relaxed. I really liked one particular stretch that focuses on the hips and leads into the front splits. I began to think "it would be so cool to be able to do the splits!" Since then I've made an effort to consistently and consciously stretch. It's not something that I've scheduled or obsessively enforced upon myself. I enjoy it. It relaxes me. It feels good so I remind myself that stretching is something I like to do and that quiet and enjoyable reminder turns into consistent practice in stretching. After a year of sticking with it I have gradually become able to do something I never imagined possible! I can do the splits!

It's tough to acknowledge that I'm not going to be a pro at something the first time I try it, but it's also extremely encouraging to know that if I love something enough to dedicate myself to consistent practice and patience, I eventually will be able to do it!

Say What??

The idea of being fake doesn't sit well with me so I used to hate the idea of using quotes and positive affirmations to somehow make me "feel better about myself." I felt like many motivational, inspirational, or even insight type quotes usually sounded good but in reality, weren't realistic. When push came to shove, no, I didn't feel "positive" or "calm" or good about myself and I would only be a part of the charade by preaching or embracing positive quotes and affirmations. Now, though, I'm finding that I can learn a whole lot about life and myself from what other people have said. I've found that reading and writing down enlightening quotes can help me remember aha moments of learning and help remind me of what I'm working on and for and how and what I can do or ways I can think to influence my life.

Here are some of my favorites right now:

"An atmosphere of nurturance, encouragement, and acceptance will cause you to blossom the fastest... Your thoughts are your atmosphere." -V Hansen, S. Goodman

"Owl, you're just confusing things. This is the day after Tuesday, and its not Thirds--I mean Thursday." "Then what day is it?" asked Owl. "It's Today!" squeaked Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. -A.A. Milne

"No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself." -Neil Anderson

"You have unique gifts to offer this planet, but only if you are willing to discover them, claim them, and express them." -Hansen, Goodman

"There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate." -Robert Brault

"Be an observer of your eating, not a judge. You can become a complete expert on your own body by simply eating with awareness of how your body feels before, during , and after eating. You cannot become aware while you are criticizing yourself." -Hansen, Goodman

"Change really happens when you DO something different and you experience the difference for yourself." -Rebekah Hennes

"The chronic 'Backsoon' always seems to have to be going somewhere, at least on a superficial, physical level. He doesn't go out for a walk though, he doesn't have time...The Bisy Backsoon has practically no time at all, because he's too busy wasting it by trying to save it. And by trying to save every bit of it, he ends up wasting the whole thing." -Benjamin Hoff

"You cannot tell your body what to do and listen at the same time." -Hansen, Goodman

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -Herm Albight

"I was going to buy a copy of the 'The Power of Positive Thinking' and then I thought 'what the hell good would that do?'" -Ronnie Shakes

"When the sun rises, it rises for everyone."

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats" -Voltair

"You can't leave foot prints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt...and who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?"

This is an awareness test.

Focus, this is tough!

So, how did you do? It took me a couple of times. I watched a video similar to this for the first time in a safety leadership class for my job. The idea behind showing the video was to remind us that we need to be aware of unsafe circumstances in the work place. What I began to think about though, is the parallel of this video to my life and its reinforcement of some things I've been learning. Simply put, we see what we focus our attention on and in the process may miss other seemingly obvious things. When I watch this video while focusing on the white team passing the ball, I don't even see "bear" trying to moonwalk. How could I not see something so obvious!?

I've often used this question rhetorically as evidence to argue that I do not have a beautiful or athletic body. It seems like a completely logical, air tight conclusion. If I see that parts of my body are "fat" and/or "ugly" then how can someone say they aren't. I see my body with my own eyes, and our eyes don't lie...right? I used to think things were this black and white but I'm learning that this is not the case.

The more I obsessively focus on something the less I see of other things and the more I mold the image that I am "seeing." Our minds are mysteriously powerful and what we focus on, we see. If I focus on the fat on my legs, that is what I will see and the image becomes more distorted as my obsessions grow. This dedicated focus also distracts me from noticing other parts and functions of my body. Just like I would have sworn there was no "dancing bear" in the video above, I become convinced that my body essentially consists of the fat on my legs, because, in both cases, that is what I "see!"

In order to see the "Bear" in the video I had to first realize that the real goal was not to count the number of passes. Then I had to apply a different level of awareness and unbiased curiosity about what I was seeing. In the same way, in order for me to see my body in its true beauty, I have to realize that the ultimate goal is not to have a perfect body by societal standards. Then I have to practice awareness of my whole body and apply that unbiased curiosity combined with loving appreciation for what I experience. Like the video says at the end, "It's easy to miss something you're not looking for."

The Hunger Spectrum

When people talk about emotional eating I often picture extreme stress or other uncomfortable emotions followed by the conscious decision to eat or binge to numb that feeling. Although this does happen and is obviously not natural, I'm finding that many times identifying emotional eating can be a little less obvious. Sometimes I don't even recognize emotional eating until I look back after I've eaten way too much in a distracted or unconscious way. I don't necessarily notice feeling ultra stressed out or depressed so I figure, oh, a couple of bites in front of the TV won't hurt, but then a couple bites becomes the whole piece, and the whole next piece, and so on. Before I know it, I've totally fallen way out of whack and am left discouraged, disappointed, and a little bewildered that I turned down that road again! Why do I not recognize it and what it will become at the beginning? 

With no way to deal with them growing up, I have practiced since I was young not to "feel" painful, sometimes taboo emotions. In my environment these were the majority of emotions but especially sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, love, kind words, appreciation, acceptance, disagreement, etc. and as I grew, I became more and more hungry for the emotional needs that I was not receiving. Like the majority of our society, I was also immersed in emotional and moral associations with food and appearance, and as I got older, I began to recognize that food made uncomfortable feelings go away or a while. Gradually my body began to associate emotions with food signals and my emotional "hunger" began to display similar thoughts and sensations to biological hunger. I had "hunger" in my emotional self so my body physically told me "I want food! I'm hungry!" This skewed mind-body signal became even more engrained as I continued to reinforce it with emotional eating or restricting.

Over the years my mind-body has learned that it is safer to feel hungry for food. Food never disappoints, it never leaves me or falls back on its commitments. When I'm biologically hungry I can eat and the hunger pangs subside. The problem with emotional eating is that the hunger I am truly experiencing is not biological, and feeding a biological hunger will never truly satisfy the actual "hunger." Eating feels good at first. It numbs me during that initial euphoria as I "use" it, but it never seems to fill me up. I can't get enough. I continue to eat, searching for satisfaction from my emotional hunger but I can't quite grasp it and at the end I'm left wondering "what the heck just happened!?"

Knowledge of ourselves is a powerful thing. If we can recognize that all encompassing "hunger feeling" and break it up into its components, like a prism separates the components of white light into a whole spectrum of colors, then we can identify exactly what types of hunger we are experiencing. Are the biological sensations sincere? Am I hungry for peace, rest, friendship, companionship, love, purpose, something to do? If I'm biologically hungry, food is the best food! But, if I'm hungry for acceptance or friendship, food will not fill me. Take a moment to feel the true hunger that you are experiencing and realize that it is ok.

"You aren't a bad person with low will power simply because you've eaten to cope! The problem is: long ago all of your hungers became confused into one signal - the signal for food. Be grateful for all the ways eating has helped you survive." -V Hansen, S. Goodman